When a choice becomes a rut: Looking for advice.

[Lee R.E.]

Hey Guys. I am a newbie here. This is my first post at Jetset.

Normally I enjoy the wonderful opportunities associated with giving advice, but today I would like to get some.

I am 20 years old and it has been 5 years since I have been on a "date" (the quotes are cuz you really can't call the last bit I did with someone of the opposite sex a date, fooling around cannot possibly be a real date...right?)

Well after my last experience I realized how foolish, young and irresponsible I was being with my heart and body so I choose to lay off guys for the rest of highschool.

But my choice has now become a rut. Lately I find that although I am loads confident in other things when it comes to guys and approaching them or being receptive to a guy approaching me I get closed off, nervous, and sometimes I even come off as being rude.

I really wish I could end this and get some of my confidence back and remember what it was like to be a flirt but I cant seem to tweek my mindset just enough so that I can be a confident dater.

Any adivce?

[TheFemGeek]

I find most times when you're not looking that's when someone comes along. I think when you're in a "rut" it deals more with how you feel about what you're doing instead of what's not happening. I hope that makes sense. When I get in a "rut" I start to change the things in my life that I am doing that are preventing me from getting further away from the "rut". Example, am I happy with what I do everyday? From the way my desk sits in a corner to the way I eat. Do I treat my self the way I want others to treat me? Example do I go out and interact with people and get to know them the way I am hoping that somebody wants to do the same and get to know me. Do I put things around my home that make me feel positive, which reflects upon others, or is my home in shambles that it depresses me, which reflects upon others, to the point I loose energy? Once you're able to have confidence in most that you do, I say most because there are some things we are still learning, you will have no problem in connecting with people. Be apart of something you like. If you like going to movies, go, and don't be ashame to go alone. Go to events in your city, go to events to things pertaining to what you love. Believe me their are people out there looking to find a friend or maybe something more.

[B Mel]

From a guy's perspective one thing that is attractive is confidence. You just have to be confident about who you are. Trying to act in a way you think will impress a guy can often backfire, so just be natural. If the guy doesn't like you for who you actually are then you are just wasting your time if pretending.

Also, I think it's pretty cool that you feel the need to be responsible with your heart and body so make sure you don't sacrifice that for nobody, those are some good values to have.

Another thing you mentioned was when in the moment you get closed off, nervous or even rude. If I were to make a guess I would say that you react that way out of fear of being rejected. I use to react the same way in social situations, but have found that you can't really concern yourself with how people will react or respond to you or what you say. The worst that could happen is that they look at you like your crazy or maybe walk away (unless you say some real off the wall shit (since you are 'very opinitiated and not PC, as you say ;D). And really, who hasn't had that experience before and won't again?

If you don't feel like any of that is why you get nervous or closed off then you probably want to evaluate how you feel or react when you are in those situations. If you can identify how you feel or what causes those 'problem feelings' that is half the battle in solving the problem.

[Flamekebab]

I have two major problems when it comes to this sort of thing:

1. Meeting people. In our modern society it's quite difficult to meet new people, at least in the UK.
If you're in school or university it's not so hard, but if you're not, or there's no one suitable there, it's quite hard.

2. Most ladies I encounter don't cut it. I don't mean looks-wise. I mean they are shallow. The idea of having hobbies seems to be lost on them. When I have free time, I've got no end of stuff I want to do. If they have free time they watch TV. Doesn't make for stimulating conversation really - "What did I do this weekend? Well I went out on Saturday night and then watched Eastenders and stuff.."

I guess I just need more than that.

[Patrick Perez]

Hey Lee R.E.,

Hmmmm, yes, love,dating,stalking and that small magical flame in your heart can be all too confusing at times.
Let me pass on a quick story about a buddy of mine and I think it may help guide you on your quest for your "Knight in Shining Armor." "Dan" recalls the magical time when he had his first kiss. He was at parochial school (church school) and he was hiding in the janitorial closet with his lucky lady.

As they smooched around looking for each others lips in the dark-WHAM!!THE DOOR OPENED! No kissy action for Dan! The head nun of the school stood there yielding a broom and began swinging wildly at the two kids in the closet. However, because it was so dark she could not see where she was swinging. As Dan managed to escape from the closet, the hyper-ventalating nun continued to swing wildly in the dark trying to hit a target she cuold not see. Needless to say, she made a huge mess of things and poor Dan probably never had his chance to properly use his lips.

Now, what does a hyper-ventalating nun and a janitorial closet have to do with relationships? Well, think about it like this. The nun had no idea what she was aiming at since it was so dark in the closet. She was expending her energy and ,like some relationships, a big mess was being created. Too many times we find ourselves in the dark when it comes to relationships (I have been blindined by "love" once too many times.)

The first thing you need to do is turn on the light on your love life and answer this question, "What do I want out of a relationship?" Are you looking for your soulmate or just someone to hang out with? Aer you seeking to be fulfilled or just some "kiss action?" Until you decide why you are in a relationship, you may never gain the "how to" make a realtionship work.

For instance, when I was dating the "girl-next-door" during college, I was looking at our relationship as a friendship that could lead to marriage. I was looking long-term with this girl. Her view of the relationship? She just wanted to rip my heart out and cook it with a nice twist of lemon (really!) After she broke up with me, she explained that the only reason she wanted to be with me was to keep me from hookin' up with another young lady who I was also attracted to; it was a "game" in her words.

So, two people with two totally opposite views of the same realtionship. Once you decide what you desire out of a relationship, then you can be better prepared going into your next relationship. If the guy you meet (rule # 1- Never date someone you meet at a club!) has the same view and principles for dating as you do-go for it!
However, if you are looking for a lasting relationship and he is just out for some action-pepper spray him and run.

Define what a relationship means to you and decide what you want out of a relationship. Maybe even right this info down and give it to a girlfriend to hold on to-this way she can keep you in check when the guys come cehck you out : )

Patrick "B-Boy Pac Man"

[Lee R.E.]

1. That is one of the funniest stories with a message I have ever heard.

2. Thank you for that "knowing what you want out of the relationship" advice. That was not something I had seriously considered before.

[andy garcia]

go to a party with a friend from work or just any friend but one where you know no one

from there once you arrive be really intrested to meet everyone. i dunno if its just me but im spaztastic when it comes to this so im all like HI IM ANDY NICE TO MEET CHA COOL SHOES DID YOU PAY FOR THEM IN HUGS haha but just do anything to just talk to someone randomly

even off the street random complaments and such and these small tests of your outgoingness haha will grow and youll slowly allow youself to approch people and or be approced cause ur used to it in your own enviorment

so just talk dont hide in your shell cause the longer your in there the more shelterd youll be from the world and all it has to offer

[Reginald Russaw]

What stops you from moving forward with this dating thing? I know that a five year hiatus can make one's dating skills atrophy but you have still been social right? This may sound cliche or corny but you have to find a guy who doesn't scare you, doesn't bore you, who isn't scared of you, who doesn't need you and make him want you. Forget about the gender specific roles men and women play when it comes to dating, switch it up on him and show him why he should date you.

[Bennie Simmons]

Well I say look around in your daily life a good man is sometimes hiding in your most common settings i know sounds cheesey but it true.